Upthorn

Been having a mental health episode of some sort over the past few weeks.

I assume that I'm feeling like my freedom is being threatened, because it feels like an enraged toddler has forcibly seized decision making power in my brain, and is rebelling in an attempt to assert personal autonomy.

Except... nobody is telling me what to do. My only responsibilities are to myself, so the toddler is rebelling against all the things in life that are prerequisite to my own goals.

It's like...
Conscious Mind: I need to go to bed so that I can do things with my friends tomorrow
The Toddler: NOOOOOOOOOO!
Conscious Mind: Well, I'd like to take my anti-anxiety meds so at least I'm less worried about it
The Toddler: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Conscious Mind: Well, I'd like to tell my roommate why I'm acting so bizarre
The Toddler: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
Conscious Mind: Well, I'd like to talk to my friends so they won't be upset at me flaking...
      And I'd like to take a shower so my skin will stop itching
      And I'd like to lay off the compulsive eating so my weight can settle down a little
The Toddler: *starts humming*

Anyway, it's all very frustrating, and I'd like to understand what's going on, because this toddler can't be reasoned with, and beats my conscious mind at wrestling, so it'd be very useful if I could figure out what it wants and get it to calm down and let me have control of my life back

• child
• hobbyist anime and song translator
• hobbyist software developer
• tool assisted speedrunner
• romhacker in the sonic fan community
• linguistics and comp sci student
• freelance japanese-english translator
• cohost user
•  person?

• white cishet male scum and agender with AMAB privilege
• legally disabled with depression and anxiety
• terrified of impinging on anyone's comfort or agency
• terrified of missing out and being isolated
• middle-aged
• painfully sincere
• incapable of talking about myself without writing a dating profile?